1. Limited distracters—No student can have more than two modifications.
2. Extended time—The due date for all grades and paperwork can be extended up to two weeks.
3. Assignment books—Students and parents are responsible for assignment books. The teacher is not responsible to do a darn thing related to the student’s assignment books.
4. Required substitution—Before any parent can comment on anything that happens in any classroom, the parent is required to substitute teach in that classroom for a week.
5. Positive reinforcement—The teacher gets the choice of lots and lots of chocolate, lots and lots of liquor, or time out—you know, time alone to do what ever I darn well please.
6. Preferential seating— Who are we kidding here? Teachers don’t sit down. But we could restrict the type of students that are close to the teacher. For example, no tappers, hummers, snorters, or gas passers are allowed within 25 feet of the teacher.
7. Notetaking assistance—The teacher will not be required to take any notes or remember anything that is not provided to the teacher in writing.
8. Notifications—All parents of students in the teacher’s classroom will be required to attend a long, boring meeting where the teacher’s modifications are explained in excruciating detail to the parents. The parents will be required to make weekly reports as to whether they are complying with the modifications.
9. Limited distracters, redux—The teacher’s classes will be limited to students that actually capable of and are motivated to learn the subject matter. Students who are not motivated will be removed from the class. I don’t care where they are sent, just that they are gone.
10. Behavior modifications—In order to keep the top of the teacher’s head from blowing off, the students are required to modify their behavior.
a. The teacher is not required to say any instruction more than once.
b. The teacher will write the page number on the board and all students will refer to the board and not ask, “What page is it on?”
c. Students are prohibited from exclaiming, “There’s a test today?” when the class has been reviewing for the test for three days prior and the teacher has announced the test for nine consecutive days.
d. Students are prohibited from asking to go to the restroom when they know the teacher never let’s anyone go to the restroom.