Things I am sick to death of...

I've been  here over a half of a century. That is plenty of time to just get sick of some things. The older I get the crankier I get.  I may be turning into Maxine.  I'm am sick, I tell you, sick of the following:

Rheumatoid Arthritis commercials that tout some miracle drug.

People who tell me all about their problems but never listen to me.

Fish/Seafood- I don't like fish.  I've never liked fish.  I don't want to taste your fish recipe. I don't care how yummy you think it is.  Yuck.

Dieting - I've lost the same 30 pounds about 10 times.  I'm sick of dieting.  I want to eat ice cream and not feel guilty.

Fresh college graduates who think they are all that and a bag of chips.  I remember feeling that way and then feeling sort of stupid when I found out what I didn't know.

High heels and hose.  Never wearing them again.  Hose seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth.  So now women are supposed to have perfect legs without hose?  No spider veins, all tanned and toned. So women are supposed to wear those 5" heels on their bare foot?  Madness I say, madness.

Truth

I know these things to be true…
 

• Naps are not a waste of time. 

• There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

• Fitted sheets cannot be folded. Just wad them up.

• It was not necessary to learn cursive.

• Typing is not just for secretaries.

• Bad decisions make good stories. 

• Ignorance is temporary but stupid is permanent.

• One-size-fits-all is now one-size-fits-most and it still isn’t true.

• Part of my best friend's job is to immediately clear my computer’s history when I die. 

• Another part of my best friend’s job is to visit me in the hospital and get rid of my chin hairs if I’m incapacitated.

• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

• There is a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

• The fact that the mouthwash and shampoo bottle look alike is a test of social Darwinism.

• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

• The Christmas holidays are not necessarily “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”

• Google Maps, MapQuest, Garmin etc. need an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

• There is a fine, fine line between boredom and hunger. 

• The best way to avoid an argument with someone who is saying something stupid is to smile and nod.  Then get away as fast as you can.

• That moron cutting in and out of traffic thinks he’s a fabulous driver and doesn’t know the rest of us are getting out of his way. 

You Might Be a Little Old Lady If...

I work with someone I considered a "little old lady." Then I found out that I was older than her.  Three years older than her.  OMG.  It was an earth shattering moment.  Could I be a "little old lady" and not know it?  I googled "little old lady."  You know what comes up?  Song lyrics from the Beach Boys  - "Little Old Lady from Pasadena."  This is not helpful.   So I started thinking, "What is the definition of 'little old lady'?"  What characteristics would label one a "little old lady?"

You might be a little old lady if you...

• call butter Oleo
• call your purse a pocketbook
• reuse paper plates
• reuse Ziplock bags
• put food in your pocketbook at restaurants "for later"
• have a Kleenex tucked into your sleeve
• write checks to buy groceries
• have waitresses read the menu to you so you don't have to put on your glasses
• have a coin purse so you will always be ready to pay with the correct change
• have people call you to tell you they sent you an email
• know all the words to every Perry Como song
• own and wear themed holiday sweaters
• save pickle jars "just in case"
• have a cough drop, a Kleenex and a Vicodin in your pocket
• smell vaguely of Vick's Vaporub, Ben Gay, and Purell
• have driven for ten miles with your turn signal on because your turn is "coming up" 
• go to the beauty parlor once a week for a wash and set

Since in this scenario, I control the parameters, I am not a "little old lady."  Is there a parallel category where I can be as old as a "little old lady" but still not be one?  I volunteer for the mission to go find out.

(Cue "Star Trek" music)

Aging but remaining cool: the final frontier. These are the voyages of BeadQueen . Her continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.  

  Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu.

Why the FTC is to blame that my chin is red

Back in 1984, the FTC deregulated how long a commercial could be. Ergo, the birth of the infomercial. I seem to be a sucker for infomercials. The idea may be completely stupid. Who needs a pocket fishing pole? Who needs a knife that can cut cans? But after I watch 19 or so minutes of the infomercial, I start thinking how nice it would be to have insert-name-of-whatever-product-is-being-hawked-here.

Anyway, there is a product called "Smooth Away." It will get rid of pesky hair without a razor, wax, or laser treatments. Now there is something I can use to get rid of the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. And, it's two-for-one. And, there's a free gift.

You know I bought it. In fact I bought two. So I tried it on my chin hair. The hair did come off but so did some of my skin. Basically it's sandpaper and it worked by sanding off a few layers of skin along with the hair. So, it DID do what it said - ie remove the hair. So what if my chin looks like carpet burn.

Just Sayin'

Swine Flu Mania

Cursive Handwriting becoming Extinct?

When I was in elementary school in the mid 1960s, there were no computers, no calculators, and typewriters were only in the office. Teachers wrote on the blackboard with white chalk and they wrote in cursive. 

We were expected to be able to write and read cursive. Not only that, we were all expected to write exactly the same way.   We held our pencils exactly the same way, we formed the letters the same way, the letters were all uniform in size.

We had penmanship lessons.  First we traced the letters, then we created our own.  If ours didn't look exactly like the example, we did it again.   We got a grade for how well we were able to conform to the penmanship expectation.

When did all this stop?  Students hold pencils any way they want.  Letters are all different sizes and are formed any which way.  There is no uniform capitalization or spacing.  In short, its a mess.

 

An unintended result of never really learning how to write cursive is that students never really learn to read cursive.    Cursive is becoming extinct.  

I want Modifications too!

Students are entitled to the least restrictive environment. As a middle-school teacher, I think I’m entitled to the same. I want, for me, the least restrictive environment in my classroom. In order to achieve the least restrictive environment for students, the government mandates modifications to help that student achieve a maximum educational experience. Well, I want some modifications too.

1. Limited distracters—No student can have more than two modifications.

2. Extended time—The due date for all grades and paperwork can be extended up to two weeks.

3. Assignment books—Students and parents are responsible for assignment books. The teacher is not responsible to do a darn thing related to the student’s assignment books.

4. Required substitution—Before any parent can comment on anything that happens in any classroom, the parent is required to substitute teach in that classroom for a week.

5. Positive reinforcement—The teacher gets the choice of lots and lots of chocolate, lots and lots of liquor, or time out—you know, time alone to do what ever I darn well please.

6. Preferential seating— Who are we kidding here? Teachers don’t sit down. But we could restrict the type of students that are close to the teacher. For example, no tappers, hummers, snorters, or gas passers are allowed within 25 feet of the teacher.

7. Notetaking assistance—The teacher will not be required to take any notes or remember anything that is not provided to the teacher in writing.

8. Notifications—All parents of students in the teacher’s classroom will be required to attend a long, boring meeting where the teacher’s modifications are explained in excruciating detail to the parents. The parents will be required to make weekly reports as to whether they are complying with the modifications.

9. Limited distracters, redux—The teacher’s classes will be limited to students that actually capable of and are motivated to learn the subject matter. Students who are not motivated will be removed from the class. I don’t care where they are sent, just that they are gone.

10. Behavior modifications—In order to keep the top of the teacher’s head from blowing off, the students are required to modify their behavior.

a. The teacher is not required to say any instruction more than once.

b. The teacher will write the page number on the board and all students will refer to the board and not ask, “What page is it on?”

c. Students are prohibited from exclaiming, “There’s a test today?” when the class has been reviewing for the test for three days prior and the teacher has announced the test for nine consecutive days.

d. Students are prohibited from asking to go to the restroom when they know the teacher never let’s anyone go to the restroom.