No Child Left Behind

The idea behind No Child Left Behind is noble - all children will be given equal opportunity to an education. NCLB is standards-based education reform,based on the belief that setting high standards and establishing measurable goals can improve individual outcomes in education. On paper, that's great. Standing in front of 25 8th graders it is not so clear.

Let me explain. In this 8th grade class of 25, there are 3 twelve-year-olds, 10 thirteen-year-olds, 9 fourteen-year-olds, and three fifteen-year-olds. How is the possible? Well, three started school early, sixteen are right on schedule, and six have failed a grade. Some more than once.

The reading level ranges from 2nd grade to post-graduate school. The textbook is written on an 8th grade level - that leaves more than half the class unable to read it. Guess how middle school students act given a reading assignment and they can't read?

Do teachers want to leave children behind? No, absolutely not. Teachers would love to say that students see the value of getting an education and they see education as the key to a better future. But, for the majority of students, the only value they see in school is free food and a place to socialize with their friends.

Do children want to be left behind? That's not as clear. Maybe not left behind but they'd love to be left alone. Long term planning to middle schoolers is what's going to happen in the next 10 minutes. What's the solution? The stock answer is it is the teacher's job to motivate the students to understand the value of an education.

What are teachers actually supposed to do in the classroom tomorrow to make that happen - I don't have a clue. However, if I figure it out I'm going become a consultant and charge school districts a gadzillion dollars to tell them.

No Child Left Behind

As a former classroom teacher, I'm pretty offended that a politician would intimate that I might want to leave a child behind. I want every student to be successful. I want them to be able to read and write and respect the U.S. I want them to be employable with skills and work ethic that gains them a job they are proud of and satisfied with.

What happens then when the child doesn't see the need in moving ahead? For this child, school is just a place to go and hang out with friends. I've met a bunch of them in my 10 years in the school system. As a teacher, parent, and taxpayer, it makes me mad. This child is being handed a free and appropriate education and he refuses to receive it. In fact, he is preventing or hindering others from receiving their free education too because he is such a classroom distraction that the teacher has to spend an inordinate amount of time just keeping control of the classroom.

I want Modifications too!

Students are entitled to the least restrictive environment. As a middle-school teacher, I think I’m entitled to the same. I want, for me, the least restrictive environment in my classroom. In order to achieve the least restrictive environment for students, the government mandates modifications to help that student achieve a maximum educational experience. Well, I want some modifications too.

1. Limited distracters—No student can have more than two modifications.

2. Extended time—The due date for all grades and paperwork can be extended up to two weeks.

3. Assignment books—Students and parents are responsible for assignment books. The teacher is not responsible to do a darn thing related to the student’s assignment books.

4. Required substitution—Before any parent can comment on anything that happens in any classroom, the parent is required to substitute teach in that classroom for a week.

5. Positive reinforcement—The teacher gets the choice of lots and lots of chocolate, lots and lots of liquor, or time out—you know, time alone to do what ever I darn well please.

6. Preferential seating— Who are we kidding here? Teachers don’t sit down. But we could restrict the type of students that are close to the teacher. For example, no tappers, hummers, snorters, or gas passers are allowed within 25 feet of the teacher.

7. Notetaking assistance—The teacher will not be required to take any notes or remember anything that is not provided to the teacher in writing.

8. Notifications—All parents of students in the teacher’s classroom will be required to attend a long, boring meeting where the teacher’s modifications are explained in excruciating detail to the parents. The parents will be required to make weekly reports as to whether they are complying with the modifications.

9. Limited distracters, redux—The teacher’s classes will be limited to students that actually capable of and are motivated to learn the subject matter. Students who are not motivated will be removed from the class. I don’t care where they are sent, just that they are gone.

10. Behavior modifications—In order to keep the top of the teacher’s head from blowing off, the students are required to modify their behavior.

a. The teacher is not required to say any instruction more than once.

b. The teacher will write the page number on the board and all students will refer to the board and not ask, “What page is it on?”

c. Students are prohibited from exclaiming, “There’s a test today?” when the class has been reviewing for the test for three days prior and the teacher has announced the test for nine consecutive days.

d. Students are prohibited from asking to go to the restroom when they know the teacher never let’s anyone go to the restroom.